The perfect man

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One woman to another:
"I want a man who is
    - loyal
    - faithful
    - patient
    - attentive
    - forgiving
    - unselfish
    - even-tempered
    - and a good listner."

"You want a dog"

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An impartial bear ... or is it?

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White, black, man, woman, straight, gay, Catholic, Muslim, American, Mexican ...
all taste like chicken."

There is something wrong with this bear ...

White before black? Man before woman? Straight before gay? Catholic before Muslim? No Jews or Buddhists? American before Mexican !?!?!?

And a liberal waiting for his government handout meal and a welfare check ... tsk tsk !

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Wife loves dog

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At home

Wife to family dog:
    My gorgeous darling,
    I love you soooo much.
    My beautiful, adorable bundle of joy.
    You make me so happy !
    I love you, love you, love you !

Husband:
    She used to talk o me like that.

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Anti-depressant works best on a Caribbean beach

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Doctor to patient:

This anti-depressant works best
if you take it with water lapping near your hammock
on a Caribbean beach.

Will health insurance cover for the Caribbean trip ?

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History at a glance

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T-Rex to now: 67 million years
Now to Friday: Fucking ages

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If you are pretty ...

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Daughter:
Who cares if I'm pretty if I fail my finals ?

Mother:
Okay, you have got this so completely backwards.

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Room for Vodka

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Pessimist - glass is half empty.
Optimist - glass is half full.
Me - Yay! There is room for vodka!

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Nagging woman

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Behind every nagging woman is a man not doing what he is supposed to do.

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Candlelight is like vulva :-)

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Attention teachers: Never assign your class to paint "candlelight".

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Inconsiderate neighbour

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My neighbour
knocked at my door at 3am this morning !

Can you believe it ?
3am !
Luckily, I was still up playing my drums.


Comment:

I can understand this if one is playing the piano.

But to interrupt a drummer practicing ...
tsk tsk ...
Must be a pretty inconsiderate neighbour.

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Dog's side

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Dog's side vs my side - and where is the cat's side?

A similar theme on a divided bed between her side and his side is in:
http://onemanadreaming.blogspot.com.au/2014/02/divided-bed.html

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Dehydrated water

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Dehydrated Water -

Empty contents of can into one gallon of water.
Stir until dissolved.
Chill and serve.

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Fishing

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People & government fishing

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The meaning of life

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The meaning of life is that you have ...

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Be careful when you blindly follow the masses ...

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Be careful when you blindly follow the masses ... sometimes the 'M' is silent.

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Men - Really are from Mars

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Last night I said to my boyfriend, "I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table."
So he climbs into bed very slowly and says, "Honey, would you please pass me the pussy?"

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Basic human needs

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Basic Human Needs:

  •  Self-actualization -
        Creativity, Problem solving, Authenticity, Spontaneity
  •  Esteeme -
        Self-esteem, Confidence, Achievement
  •  Social Needs -
        Friends, Family
  •  Safety and Security
  •  Physiolgical Needs (Survival) -
        Air, Shelter, Water, Food
  •  WiFi
  •  Battery

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Wine bed

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Husband to wife: "I'm so glad we didn't go for one of those cheap and nasty water beds."

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Big biceps are importanter

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"Where do you work out?"
"At the library"

Education is important,
but big biceps are importanter.

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True or False

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How to answer "true or false" questions  :-)

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Coffee Cup

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Shhh
Almost
Now you may speak

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Mathematician views woman as math symbols

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(The sines of Dr. Loring !)

You know, Dr. Loring,
there's more to life than math.

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Footprints of animals

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Animal footprints through the ages

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War parade

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In wars, soldiers are dead and wounded.
Generals get decorated in medals.

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Husband and wife getting ready to go out

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Getting ready to go out ...
Difference between husband and wife !

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self portrait

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A cat's self portrait as a tiger  :-)

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Where is mom?

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To mom:
    I'm hungry ...
    I'm cold ...
    I'm hot ...
    Can I have ... ?
    I want to watch ...
    Where are you ?
    Can you ask Dad ?
    Can you help me ... ?
    He hurt me ...
    She hurt me ...
    I want to go there ...
    When are we ... ?
    Why are we ... ?
    Why can't we ... ?

To dad:
    Where is mom ?

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Mother drinks because of you

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Don't forget to pick up a bottle of wine for your mom on Mother's Day.
After all, you are one of the reasons she drinks.

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Pont Neuf Bridge, Toulouse, France

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Dear friends and colleagues,

Over the past few weeks,
I have received many funny images or jokes and
I have emailed them to friends and colleagues
who I thought shared the same sense of humour.

Unfortunately, I seem to have upset a few people
and received criticism for being
sexist and shallow.

So, from now on,
I am only emailing content of general interest
to all persons of sensibility and good taste.

Content such as:
    - natural beauty
    - phenomena
    - places of historical significance
    - or general interest.

I am sure you will all agree the attached picture
of the Pont Neuf Bridge, Toulouse, France,
has great historical value
surrounded by phenomenal natural beauty.

Thanks and regards

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Eye sight failing

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Don't stress about your eyesight failing as you get older.
It's natures way of protecting you from shock as you walk pass the mirror.

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Fat - When you realize it, it is too late

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The past of eat is ate.
And the future of ate is weight.
And the most funny part is that people realize it when it is late.

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Iridescent cloud

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An iridescent cloud ~~~

It is an uncommon phenomenon, the result of diffraction ... small droplets of water or small crystals of ice individually scattering light.

If the small droplets/crystals are of similar size, their cumulative effect is seen as iridescent colours. The cloud must be optically thin, so that most rays encounter only a single droplet. Iridescence is therefore mostly seen at cloud edges or in semi-transparent clouds.

You may have seen this type of cloud in your own travel, or seen more colourful photos on the internet.  But it is so much sweeter if you can capture it with your own camera.

Above photo was taken on 2015 March, during a climbing trip to Gungartan Mountain in Kosciuszko National Park in NSW, Australia. Photos and trip report of that climb are in:
http://mntviews.blogspot.com.au/2015/03/gungartan-kerries-ridge-nsw-australia.html

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Acripeza reticulata (Mountain Katydid)

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Acripeza reticulata (Mountain Katydid, also known as Mountain Grasshopper) ~~~
The one on left and also the one on top-right is a female. When its wings are folded, it looks like a small lump of dirt and is not easy to be spotted. But when its wings are spread out, you can see the beautiful red, blue & black bands on its body.
The male is much skinnier - bottom-right.

Just looking at the photo, you wouldn't have imagined they are the same insect !

Above photo was taken in 2015 March, during a climbing trip to Gungartan Mountain in Kosciuszko National Park in NSW, Australia. Photos and trip report of that climb are in:
http://mntviews.blogspot.com.au/2015/03/gungartan-kerries-ridge-nsw-australia.html

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Money & Grave

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Man chases money into grave.

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Women are always right !

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Men to the left because women are always right !

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Cleavage is like the sun

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Cleavage is like the sun.

You can glance at it for only a second,
but if you wear sunglasses,
you can look much longer.

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Spelling error

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I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urinated.

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Penis guard

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Penis guard for man on beach

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Smiling face in the night sky

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Say Cheese !

In the centre of the below image, taken with the NASA/ESA Hubble Space Telescope, is the galaxy cluster SDSS J1038+4849 ... and it seems to be smiling.

You can make out its two orange eyes and white button nose. In the case of this “happy face”, the two eyes are very bright galaxies and the misleading smile lines are actually arcs caused by an effect known as strong gravitational lensing.

Galaxy clusters are the most massive structures in the Universe and exert such a powerful gravitational pull that they warp the spacetime around them and act as cosmic lenses which can magnify, distort and bend the light behind them. This phenomenon, crucial to many of Hubble’s discoveries, can be explained by Einstein’s theory of general relativity.

In this special case of gravitational lensing, a ring (known as an Einstein Ring) is produced from this bending of light, a consequence of the exact and symmetrical alignment of the source, lens and observer and resulting in the ring-like structure we see here.

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Fart to smell like mint :-)

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This is fartbulously fartastic ... An underwear patch to make your farts smell like mint  :-)
And when will Apple buy it and name it iFart?

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Clock

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A smart ass recursive clock  :-)

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Politician and Prostitute

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Hi! I'm 32. I'm a politician and I'm honest.
Hi. I'm 29. I'm a prostitute and I'm a virgin.

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Wolf Spider

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The wolf spider is the only species of spider that carries its offspring this way - live, hatched and wriggling on her back!
After a gestation of 9 to 27 days (dependent on temperature) during which the eggs are carried around in a silk globe attached to the mothers stomach, the offspring hatch and climb on to her back. They stay there until they're ready to hunt alone.

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What is wrong with this picture?

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Something is not right with this picture.
Can you see it?

(Answer is in the comment section.)

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Jelly Fish has no brain

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The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having a brain is great news for stupid people.
(Actually, this is great news for the human race too, and especially me. But wait, that means people in my office will be there forever.)

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Math for grownups

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Math for Grownups:

Cheeseburger + Detox tea
       = Total health

30 minutes productivity + 6 hours internet
       = Good work day

1 hour gym time + 4 hours couch time
       = Total fitness

1 sale item + 10 impulse purchases
       = Good budgeting

2 hours sleep + 4 cups of coffee
       = Awake & alert

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Photography trick or car

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How to take a photo of vintage cars on the road.

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