Wife loves dog

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Wife to family dog:  "My gorgeous darling, I love you soooo much. My beautiful, adorable bundle of joy. You make me so happy! I love you, love you, love you!"

Husband:  "She used to talk o me like that."

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Anti-depressant works best on a Caribbean beach

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Doctor to patient:

This anti-depressant works best
if you take it with water lapping near your hammock
on a Caribbean beach.

Will health insurance cover for the Caribbean trip ?

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History at a glance

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T-Rex to now: 67 million years
Now to Friday: Fucking ages

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If you are pretty ...

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Daughter:
Who cares if I'm pretty if I fail my finals ?

Mother:
Okay, you have got this so completely backwards.

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Room for Vodka

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Pessimist - glass is half empty.
Optimist - glass is half full.
Me - Yay! There is room for vodka!

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