Stock market is like a strapless bra

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The stock market is like a strapless bra.
Half the people are wondering ...
What's holding it up ?

Whereas the other half are waiting ...
For it to drop so they can grab the opportunities !!!

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Man will fix it

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Ladies,
If a man says he will fix it, he will.

There is no need to remind him
every 6 months about it.

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In a museum

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(In a museum)

Even a mummy's penis is aroused
by a scantily dressed museum assistant
showing her red panties and bare thighs !

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One glass a day

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I limit myself to one glass of wine a day.

My doctor said, "Only 1 glass of alcohol a day."

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Newton's 3rd law of emotion

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Newton's Third Law of Emotion:
   For every male action,
   There is a female over reaction.

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Sit on a problem

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(Woman sitting on top of a guy)

I'm not sure if I want to marry you, Jack !
I'll sit on it for a while.

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Sick wife makes husband's breakfast

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(This is for all you women
who think all men are heartless ...
Sort of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it ?)


My wife was so sick this morning ...
that I had to carry her to the kitchen
to make my breakfast.

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If science teachers look after swings ...

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(Swings in school playground)

Why science teachers are not asked
to monitor school recess.

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Cat licks woman's face - LOL

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(Cat licks its own arsehole.
Then licks a woman's face.)

Woman: Aaawwwwww sooo cute !
Cat: LOL

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Garfield on preventing sagging

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Garfield:
How do you prevent sagging ?
Just eat till the wrinkles filled out !

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SMS phone exchange with Charlie Cordina

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I was forming a team of 4 for the
2013 Sydney Oxfam 100km Trailwalker event
to be held in August.

Here is a SMS phone exchange with
Charlie Cordina whom I have never met
and who wished to join our team ...



Charlie Cordina:
Paul how did your trail walk go.

Me:
Cancelled due to rain

Charlie Cordina:
Hi Paul did u do any training on the wkend.

Me:
On Jan 15 & 19, I sent u SMS
asking u to come to our training walk on Feb 3.
You did not reply with yes.
We have since found a 4th person for our team.

Charlie Cordina:
Dickhead i told u i had a high pressure job
i was busy at work
u knew i was interested in being in the team
anyway go and fuck yourself u monkey
Anyway who would want 2 b apart of your team.

This guy really have a high pressure job 😊😊😊
I would love to find out what it is !

Anyway, this exchange is now preserved here
in the anals of history 😊



Post script:

There is a guy by the name of Charles Cordina
who:
    - Lives in the Fairfield area of Sydney,
      NSW, Australia.
    - Went to Fairfield Patrician Bros School.
    - Belonged to Fairfield Bike Club.

Wondering ... Are these 2 of the same person ???

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Grafitti

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Here I sit, Broken hearted.
Tried to shit, But only farted.

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Democracy

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(A demagogue standing on a plank
jutting out of a cliff face)

People don't know their true power !

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Bride on horse

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The bride is a horse !

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Plan on doing something so horrible

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One woman to another:

The next time you plan on doing something
so horrible, you should at least call me first
to see if I'm available to participate.

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Free demonstration

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Prostitute to policeman:

I am not selling sex !
I am selling condoms,
with free demonstration.

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Nail down the blanket

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Husband nails down the blanket 😊

A happy husband in bed ...
obviously he is an engineer 😊

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Poke at weddings and funerals

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Old people at weddings always poke me
and say you are next.

So I started doing the same thing to them
at funerals.

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Missing phone is on woman's ear

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Woman talking to friend on the phone...

"Crap.
I gotta go.
I can't find my cell phone anywhere !"

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Poor eat the rich

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One day,
the poor will have nothing to eat but the rich.

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Hourglass with extra minutes

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I finally figured out my body type.
It is hourglass with extra minutes.

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Breast or elbow?

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Facebook's breast police removed this photo.
They thought the elbow was a nipple   :-)

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Two oldies playing golf

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On a golf course ...

Oldie 1 to Oldie 2:
    My old eyes aren't what they used to be.
    Did you see where my ball went ?

Oldie 2:
    Yep ... but I can't remember !

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Relationship Status

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Relationship Status:

(   )  Single
(   )  In a relationship
(   )  Married
(   )  Engaged
(   )  Divorced
(X)  Waiting for a miracle

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Comb for bald head

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Comb for bald head ...
handy, adjustable, folds neatly in your pocket

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iBoob

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News from Apple

Apple Computers announced today
that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play music
in women's breast implants.

The iBoob will cost between $499 and $599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough,
because women are always complaining
about men staring at their breasts and
not listening to them.

Thanks to Apple, everyone is now happy.

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Highest Solitaire Score - Vegas Cumulative & Standard Timed Scoring

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What is your highest Solitaire score
- in Vegas Cumulative scoring?
- in Standard Timed scoring?

(1) Vegas Cumulative scoring:
   - One card draw
   - Once through the deck only
   - Microsoft Windows 7 Operating System

On 2012-12-05, I achieved 13,466 points.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(2) Standard Timed scoring:
   - One card draw
   - Once through the deck only
   - Microsoft Windows XP Operating System

On 2013-10-18, I achieved 7,410 points.

Post Script: 2017-03-11

I just turn on the old dusty computer,
prepare to decommission the old girl ...
can't resist having another go ...
and break my previous record with 7,560 points !!!

(Same setting as above ...
Standard Timed scoring:
   - One card draw
   - Once through the deck only
   - Microsoft Windows XP Operating System)

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Dog puts Elizabethan Collar on man's hands

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Dog to man:

Let's see ...
how you like not playing with your balls for a week.

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Astronaut nose itches

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My nose itches !

(I think ...
Sneezing in your helmet would be much worse
then just your nose itching ... lol !)

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Devoted husband

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(This is for all you women
who think all men are heartless ...

Sort of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it ?)


Husband to wife:
"I figured you should have breakfast in bed
on your birthday.  Can you reach the stove ok ?"

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iPhone, iPod, iPad, iPaid

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Son         : iPone
Daugther: iPod
Wife        : iPad
Husband: iPaid !

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Marital Status vs Neckline

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The neckline tell you whether she is:
Single - Married - Happily married

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How stupid can you be

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I have to stop saying 'How stupid can you be'.
I think people are starting to take it
as a challenge.

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Ask for salary increase by shaving pubic hair

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Husband:
Today I have a meeting with my boss,
to ask for an increase in my salary.

Wife: Me Too.

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Studying and dying

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Studying -
    Notice how they conveniently put "dying"
    at the end of the word.

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Women with fake body parts want real man

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So let me get this straight ...

Women have fake hair, nails, lashes, contacts.
Buy fake boobs, lips and get Botox.
But they want a real man ?

Good luck with that !

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World's narrowest street, Reutlingen, Germany

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Spreuerhofstrasse (Spreuerhofstraße)
is the world's narrowest street,
found in the city of Reutlingen,
Baden-Württemberg, Germany.

It ranges:
from 31 centimetres (12.2 in) at its narrowest
to 50 centimetres (19.7 in) at its widest.

The lane was built in 1727
during the reconstruction efforts
after the area was completely destroyed
in the massive city-wide fire of 1726.

Now,
it is officially listed in the Land-Registry Office
as City Street Number 77.

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Heavy load in China

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Only in Asia!

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Weather forecasting stone

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Stone is wet ... Rain
Stone is dry ... not raining
Shadow on ground ... Sunny
White on top ... Snowing
Can't see stone ... Foggy
Swinging stone ... Windy
Stone jumping up and down ... Earthquake
Stone gone ... Tornado


John's weather forecasting stone

Gary's weather forecasting stone

Serpent River weather Station

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Snow tunnel, near Mutnovsky Volcano

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This snow tunnel near the Mutnovsky Volcano
in Russia is almost a kilometre long.

These tunnels form under the snow fields
in deep ravines at the end of the summer thaw.

Meltwater flows through glaciers
towards lower elevations,
finding an outlet at the terminus of the glacier
and carving the ice on the way.

The Mutnovsky Volcano is found in the
southern part of the Kamchatka Peninsula.

The photo of the snow tunnel was taken
with three light sources:
    - a torch
    - flash
    - natural light from the exit
holding for 2 seconds.

Photo credit: Michael Zelensky
Source was:
http://www.photokamchatka.ru/photos/photo.php?ID=9225
Now defunct.

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Student's bad grade

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Parents to teacher:
Explain these bad grades ?  ... before and now

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Mushroom looks like a penis

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"Hi, I'm a broccoli and I look like a tree."
"I'm a walnut and I look like a brain."
"I'm a mushroom and I hate this stupid game."

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Lenticular Clouds

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Lenticular cloud is a rarely seen cloud formation.
This one is observed over West Yorkshire
in Britain.

The below photo is in the sky above Grytviken,
South Georgia island,
at the cold edge of Southern Atlantic Ocean.

Image Credit: Masumi Tashiro

For more information on lenticular clouds, see
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lenticular_cloud

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Old woman wants a pat down, not flying.

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Old woman to airport security officer:

Oh, I'm not flying anywhere.
I'm just here for the pat down.

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